Abusers train us to abuse ourselves
It’s in the way they get in our head
It’s the aftermath, they’re never over
The psychological collateral damage from gas lighting lingers
You can heal and work on yourself and get to a place where you love yourself
But the residual hides in the crevices of your mind
In places you don’t often go
In the place in your brain that has the file on how to be vulnerable
That lingering phantom found a home in that office and redacted all the important information so now you’re sitting there trying to make sense of how to do things you used to know how to do but can’t anymore
If the psychological abuse messed with you enough to distort reality so you lose your entire grip on sense of self and ability to think for yourself and grasp of the present like it did for me then the department of trust has basically been burned to the ground and you literally have to build it back up concrete foundation and brick by brick and all
It’s fucking daunting
We’re not even adding the variable and frightening unpredictability of another person yet
This is still trying to trust yourself and be vulnerable with yourself and your support people because let’s be honest this description is not exactly someone ready to hit the dating scene
So when the time comes for you to be with someone it’s LITERALLY THE SCARIEST THING EVER AND YOU JUST WANT TO RUN AWAY
but running away and closing in is not the answer
It makes it worse
Now I’m not saying jump full force into a relationship so it can fix you
That is not an exercise in exposure therapy
Do not do that to another person
The concept of trust issues isn’t with another person it’s with myself
Only two realities exist:
The person I will let into my life is a pathological liar and nothing they say is true because they are a sociopath (which has happened to me)
Or they’re actually a really nice person. They actually care and see your worth. They mean all the shit they say.
The former I’ve experienced.
The latter seems less believable because I’ve yet to see it happen in real life.
It’s easy to run from the unknown and since I don’t know the beauty of the latter my instinct is to run
The truth is
Even if I go on one good date and don’t get a call back it’s a beautiful thing
Even if I go out on a limb with someone and get hurt it will be healthy and it will be a beautiful thing
The way I fight the mental after taste of abuse is to prove that I am in control of my life
Ease toes in the water little by little, test it out
Honor my boundaries
Protect my heart when I need to
Do not take the batteries out of my fire alarm when it goes off.
Sometimes our skills need to be sharpened.
Even coming up against abuse is a beautiful thing if you can walk away from it sooner than the last and if you can get back up quicker, stronger than the last time you fell
Even if you can’t, you are living and that is healing, that is a protest against the abusers in and of itself
Abuse is a breeding ground for existential crisis. It makes you question everything that you’ve ever known. Nothing about yourself is the same. That’s why healing and loving yourself is so revolutionary. Stage a coup against the negativity that occupies your mind. Let your own voice find sanctuary within yourself again. Teach the voice to love you. When you catch yourself being hard on yourself, ask if I was a child, if I was my own child, would I say these things to me right now? And if the answer is no, find the things you would say, and say them to you.
You are deserving of love and respect. I put that on everything.