Reconnection

On the first of this year I declared reconnection to myself as my goal I failed to stay in touch with my physical self I need to commit to loving my body That means feeding it – uh her, feeding her and challenging her Her. Not it. I am a person not an object. I have disconnected from my spiritual self. Intellectual and emotional self have been to overwhelmed. I exist in different selves and not one because I am misaligned. The misalignment of my many dimensions does not mean they stop existing.  Advertisements Continue reading Reconnection

Let my tombstone read: Unbothered and Happy

Indulge your wrecklessness Let your fear of the danger that is possible give you resolve to stare it in the face. And so my journey begins the one they will deem wildly irresponsible and not a very well thought out process. The pursuit of happiness makes no sense to the one who’s travels they are not. And so less so does the attainment of happiness seem rational. Nonetheless, Happy I will be in my perfectly perplexing pursuit. And once the happiness is in my heart, and my life makes less sense to the onlooker, I wil be still while they … Continue reading Let my tombstone read: Unbothered and Happy

And so this is goodbye

Here I am on the last day of living in Berkeley, graduated from college. Here we are, all gathered to hold vigil for the last four years of my life that are of course intertwined with the eighteen years before that. Where if you happen to read this I have touched your life in some way and I hope it was positive. I hope you smile when you think of our memories together. Behind me stands a concrete jungle. It looks exactly the same and completely different than the day I arrived. All the buildings stand the same, there’s new … Continue reading And so this is goodbye

Fate

‪”Why are you so mean?”‬‪”Why are compliments so hard to accept?”‬ ‪Because the ugly truth of the world is eating me alive. And I hope that if I am coated in vinegar instead of honey, it will take longer to chew me up.‬  And if I’m here a little longer. Then, maybe. Just maybe. I can make this foul place a little sweeter.  Even though, I know it will still swallow me whole. Even though I know when I’m long gone in the belly of the beast this place will still be sour. But perhaps the memory of me and … Continue reading Fate

Shame

Healing is elusive. I’ve written about this before. In the chaos immediately following trauma it seems the furthest I’ve ever felt it. With time and distance, healing seems more attainable in some moments than others. Some moments like breaking down in the middle of a run or pacing at 3a in my living room or in the fear after a night terror healing remains feeling elusive. When it’s the most elusive for me is in my moments of great happiness. How odd, right?  No.  I’ll break it down: Shame is my biggest obstacle to healing. Shame equates to “I am … Continue reading Shame

Temperature Check

Sometimes if I sit with myself long enough, my mind will linger to my past pain. Not too ruminate or to dwell. But to do a temperature check: Does it hurt as much as it used too? What comes up for me as a I reflect? As I reflect and feel, what are the things in my life that I need to put more intentioned focused attention to? What needs are not being met and what needs to shift to address that? Facebook reminded me of a picture I posted a year ago. I was thin, pail, and there is … Continue reading Temperature Check

Do you know

Do you know how many times a day I fight myself?  What it’s like to be a grown woman running a program fighting feelings of shame for what I’ve been through?  What it’s like to look in my lovers eyes when they ask me to tell them why I’m acting a certain way?  Do you know how ridiculous I feel when I’m triggered and I have walk myself down a list of kids I went to grade school with? Do you know how infantilizing it is to remind myself to breathe? Do you think I want this for ever?  Do … Continue reading Do you know

Impasse

Sometimes I wish I did not have the insight that I do. Sometimes I wish I did not understand the panic of my mother to get me away from my father. Sometimes I wish I did not understand the tears my father wept for a daughter he could not figure out how to be there for. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t studied it, understood its pathology, so able to predict its patterns it’s like an experiment. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t chosen to work with it, to humanize each side. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t felt both sides, I hadn’t … Continue reading Impasse

Grief

Grief is like a creek  It’s quiet  It lives in everyone  And it fills and it drains  And everyone’s seasons are different When it’s your rainy season your creek is full and you can’t ignore it  It wets everything  You’re knee deep in water But everyone else is splashing about just fine  Grief is a creek because it’s persistent  You cannot avoid loss It is inevitable  And when it’s your time to experience loss You’ll hear the gurgling of the creek  Grief is a creek because it’s ever moving ever evolving  With the seasons  It changes  Some days it is … Continue reading Grief