Fate

‪”Why are you so mean?”‬‪”Why are compliments so hard to accept?”‬ ‪Because the ugly truth of the world is eating me alive. And I hope that if I am coated in vinegar instead of honey, it will take longer to chew me up.‬  And if I’m here a little longer. Then, maybe. Just maybe. I can make this foul place a little sweeter.  Even though, I know it will still swallow me whole. Even though I know when I’m long gone in the belly of the beast this place will still be sour. But perhaps the memory of me and … Continue reading Fate

Do you know

Do you know how many times a day I fight myself?  What it’s like to be a grown woman running a program fighting feelings of shame for what I’ve been through?  What it’s like to look in my lovers eyes when they ask me to tell them why I’m acting a certain way?  Do you know how ridiculous I feel when I’m triggered and I have walk myself down a list of kids I went to grade school with? Do you know how infantilizing it is to remind myself to breathe? Do you think I want this for ever?  Do … Continue reading Do you know

Grief

Grief is like a creek  It’s quiet  It lives in everyone  And it fills and it drains  And everyone’s seasons are different When it’s your rainy season your creek is full and you can’t ignore it  It wets everything  You’re knee deep in water But everyone else is splashing about just fine  Grief is a creek because it’s persistent  You cannot avoid loss It is inevitable  And when it’s your time to experience loss You’ll hear the gurgling of the creek  Grief is a creek because it’s ever moving ever evolving  With the seasons  It changes  Some days it is … Continue reading Grief

Day 2

When I got the news on Saturday all I could think was oh my god how is my cousin Everyday after that how is she  How is she  Is she okay  I wish I was there  Why am I at school Why am I at work  Why am I not there with her  And then on Monday  It hit me  You’re really gone  And it’s been a struggle to hold back tears And everyone is going about business as usual And complaining and catching attitude and over sharing about trivial things  And I’ll can do is think about how you’re … Continue reading Day 2

A letter to the living after the dearly has departed:

I have an itch to know you  Before it is too late  I do not wish to grieve  And sob  With regret so great it shakes me to my core  Please don’t die before making this right  I do not know  If the little girl who hides inside  The one dying to know her history The one longing for normalcy  Would survive a loss so great  Compounded by the hurt of every Father’s Day spent without you  I do not wish to remember you high out of your mind driving recklessly with me by your side  Please give me something … Continue reading A letter to the living after the dearly has departed:

Another letter to the dearly departed:

Faded photographs  And smiles cemented in my mind  Are not nearly enough  And not nearly the same  As it was like  To hear you laugh  To hear the rumble of joy in your belly  To smell the food in your kitchen  The memories are not nearly enough  But they are all I have  -arieana, grieving in public instead of pretending I don’t Continue reading Another letter to the dearly departed:

To all my dearly departed:

I am sorry for all the photos I did not take  For all the visits I did not make For all the phone calls I did not return For all the voicemails left unheard Guilt and regret are stronger than the wind herself  And I hope you forgive me  There is never enough time to prepare for days without you  Grief is hard because it’s done in solitude  And every time another goes I promise myself I won’t make the same mistakes And I’m always too little too late -arieana; Things I’ll never say and things they’ll never hear; Continue reading To all my dearly departed:

Storming

You tried to break me Every tactic Every strategy  You employed  From your hands around my neck To your words in my head You were like the drought in my habitat Disrupting my ecology All systems scrambling to adjust  And adapt I am nature I always adapt  But at what cost? Do we lose life? Pieces of me that were part of this ecosystem lost in extinction On the verge of being lost forever  Death will fertilize birth and growth I will grow back With roots thicker and stronger  You can put rocks in my way And like a river … Continue reading Storming

Snakes

My Dearest Xingona, I know that we saw nuestras madres struggle at the hands of machismo It prepared us to fight with our fists But Mujer, be wary The most insidious monster Does not always lunge at you with his body Sometimes he slithers his way into your sanctuary His approach is gentle He is a chameleon He will blend into all the things he knows you want And when your spirit is high And your soul is centered He will strike For he is a snake He will leech off of your momentum Ten cuidado, hija Snakes sleep next … Continue reading Snakes