Fate

‪”Why are you so mean?”‬‪”Why are compliments so hard to accept?”‬ ‪Because the ugly truth of the world is eating me alive. And I hope that if I am coated in vinegar instead of honey, it will take longer to chew me up.‬  And if I’m here a little longer. Then, maybe. Just maybe. I can make this foul place a little sweeter.  Even though, I know it will still swallow me whole. Even though I know when I’m long gone in the belly of the beast this place will still be sour. But perhaps the memory of me and … Continue reading Fate

Shame

Healing is elusive. I’ve written about this before. In the chaos immediately following trauma it seems the furthest I’ve ever felt it. With time and distance, healing seems more attainable in some moments than others. Some moments like breaking down in the middle of a run or pacing at 3a in my living room or in the fear after a night terror healing remains feeling elusive. When it’s the most elusive for me is in my moments of great happiness. How odd, right?  No.  I’ll break it down: Shame is my biggest obstacle to healing. Shame equates to “I am … Continue reading Shame

Do you know

Do you know how many times a day I fight myself?  What it’s like to be a grown woman running a program fighting feelings of shame for what I’ve been through?  What it’s like to look in my lovers eyes when they ask me to tell them why I’m acting a certain way?  Do you know how ridiculous I feel when I’m triggered and I have walk myself down a list of kids I went to grade school with? Do you know how infantilizing it is to remind myself to breathe? Do you think I want this for ever?  Do … Continue reading Do you know

Impasse

Sometimes I wish I did not have the insight that I do. Sometimes I wish I did not understand the panic of my mother to get me away from my father. Sometimes I wish I did not understand the tears my father wept for a daughter he could not figure out how to be there for. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t studied it, understood its pathology, so able to predict its patterns it’s like an experiment. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t chosen to work with it, to humanize each side. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t felt both sides, I hadn’t … Continue reading Impasse

Storming

You tried to break me Every tactic Every strategy  You employed  From your hands around my neck To your words in my head You were like the drought in my habitat Disrupting my ecology All systems scrambling to adjust  And adapt I am nature I always adapt  But at what cost? Do we lose life? Pieces of me that were part of this ecosystem lost in extinction On the verge of being lost forever  Death will fertilize birth and growth I will grow back With roots thicker and stronger  You can put rocks in my way And like a river … Continue reading Storming